It had been a long time since promos were over. Even PW's oral presentation was over. It is December now, and I had missed trainings for a very long time too. I don't know how Lifeguards trg are like now, how are the people doing and all... I guess I've more or less distant from them since it has been so long that I last go for trg.

I explained my long absence from CCA to my coach today. He understood me. I felt relieved that he was not angry with me. But I made a mistake just now which I have no idea that it was an insincere action until my teacher told me so. I didn't mean to be insincere. I was just lazy to retype something that I've took almost 20min to finish, so I merely used the convenience of the technology of my HP and just forwarded the same msg to my teacher-in-charge. His reply made me uneasy until now. He was sort of implying that I was fake. I really hate it when people sort of see me as someone fake, because I'm not one. Besides, I dislike and despise people who are truely fake. Perhaps my laziness really caused my insincerity.
Don't you feel helpless and uneasy when your true intentions are mistook for something not good. You feel like explaining yourself, but explaining and elaborating will only make things worse and made you appeared that you really did something wrong and are trying very hard to find excuses to cover it up. So in the end, you would most probably decide to let yourself being mistaken by the other party than wasting the effort and energy explaining yourself. This kinda situation suck, don't it?

I have no idea why I'm bothered about it the whole morning. Maybe I should just let it go... But it's very hard NOT to let it ruin my day. But I'm not upset because of my teacher. It was just that many feelings and emotions evoke from me because of my injured ankle.
My stupid ankle la damn it... Cos of it, I can't go for trg and I really want it to recover ASAP! N cos I want that, I argued with my mum this morning about to see or not to see a chinese physician AGAIN. She didn't want me to see one outside cos it's very expensive and i've already seen twice. She told me to rub the pain area myself. I just want it to recover asap, so that I've LESS trouble la...
As you can see when I sprained my ankle, this series of things will happen:
Nv go trg --> inform captain --> stil haven recover, nv go trg --> tchr and coach unhappy --> I nid to explain --> I didn't explain good enuf, nv handle e situation well enuf --> more dissatisfaction from tchr --> tchr lose trust, confidence and hope from me --> i feel ultimate bo-bian-ness --> more suffering emotionally n mentally --> feel like chopping off my ankle.. Therefore, if I had not sprained when I fell off from the stairs under an overhead bridge, none of the above will occur. N not only that, whenever I sprained somewher of my body, the moment I tell my mother about it, she will start scolding me... Saying things quite hurtful and things that I'm sucha a burden.. Then I'd really hate myself of even existing in this world... THis is a cycle that happens every time when i injured myself.. Therefore, apart from suffering from physical injury, I always have to suffer a double blow of emotional n mental injury. Even after my physical injury healed, my emotional n mental ones DO NOT. They'll just deepened each time when I've a new physical injury... Nobody knows what I'm going through deep down inside... Every wound on my skin is really skin deep...

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I think being a responsible person in an adult's perspective is so difficult. It seems that whatever you do to be responsible, in the adult's viewpoint you are still very irresponsible. They are not satisfied and deemed whatever effort you put in, trying to be as responsible as possible, as if you've done NOTHING at all.

In just this year, and first year in JC, I had been reprimanded for numerous times that I was irresponsible when I'm caught in difficult situations. Or is it that this phrase "YOU ARE VERY IRRESPONSIBLE" comes out of the adults' mouths so easily. I did not get this kind of scolding when I'm in RV. Is it that the teachers in RV are more understanding or is it that JC teachers expect alot more from you? I guess both.

Earlier, I withdrew from an INDIA OCIP trip way before it was cancelled recently due to the unrest in Mumbai. Well, I withdrew with some personal reasons and I got into some trouble and went to see the principal... The principal said that I was wrong. Yea, ok, I accept that... She also said that I was too sensitive. OKAY. Fine, maybe I was really sensitive and take things a little hard... BUT WHY AM I SO SENSITIVE?! Has it even come across to her that why is it that I'm sensitive... "Sensitive is just sensitive lor, no why." This would be most people's mentality. Okay, I've nothing to say in that case since people's mentality can't be changed so I'd let it be. And since the matter is over, I should not elaborate on it...

I would say that it was smooth, nice and happy in RV. I became very unhappy ever since I stepped into THIS JC. It seems like a well without a bottom, so I just keep falling downwards to a never-ending series of unfortunate events.
I must admit that THIS is a place where every thing is extremely unsmooth for me.
Just damn suay la, at the wrong place at the wrong time, doing RIGHT things at the wrong time and situation... If this unfortunes carry on to hook onto me, I'll K.O. sooner or later...

I feel like changing my environment, but I'm just stuck here and continue to be a suay kia.. Just too bad lor... I just hope that everything will be good for me next year... damn sad one leh, when this coming count down, and look back into 2008, only unhappy moments come bobbing into my head la... zZz... Who don't want to remember HAPPY stuffs la, but really dont have significant happy moments lor... damn alot of significantly UNHAPPY moments overwhelmed my mind once I recall my time this year... zZz...

I didn't really like blogging... It make me seem like i'm whining... As usual, I'd only write something here when I really cannot take it and need a place to rant... it's quite a nice place to rant when u really have to let out something b4 u really explode...

I wish for "At least a happier year after my 18th birthday."

The ONE n ONLY ♥ J A N I C E ♥.








Happiness keeps you
Sweet.

Trials keep you
Strong.

Sorrows keep you
Human.

Failures keep you
Humble.

Success keeps you
Glowing.