i want u to be in my picture
Saturday, 9 December 2006 @ 02:02:00
"U reap what u sow". This is something which an athlete should be very clear of. Yes. I'm very clear of that. Yet I feel that I dont really know the true meaning of it. Perhaps I didn't sow enough. I thought that when a friendship is built it'll always be there. I was naive to think that ours is something that is so unexplainable that everything could be understood w/o much communication. But today, u made me realized that I did not call for maintenance. Suddenly. I c the light. I was the one not making the effort to maintain our house. I didn't see that It's getting old and tattered. I thought it's standing so tall n steady that even tsunami can't blow it down. U tried your best to save it. But I was only coming into the house when I'm free to take a look at it. U furnished it, clean it regularly and keep it neat and tidy. But I was like just getting myself occupied with and doing my own things.
I did find that we r not like how we used to be when we're in sec 1. Those times, we were so happy and very hyper n laugh a lot almost everyday. I guess I focus really t0o much on trainings. Its unfortunate that I'm involved in a CCA which requires high commitment and high performance. Once I drop a level, I'll feel very inferior, very difficult, very demoralizing. But I still have to get my motivation from somewhere and to go on no matter what.
Sometimes I do feel lonely. Felt left out. When Ure always sharing your stuff wif fong and when I asked, u'll just tell me “none of your business”. I felt so negative(duno how to describe). But what can I do. Force U to tell me? Uve a right not to tell me. I can only painly accept the fact that U didnt want to tell me. I'll tink y u dun wanto tell me. Mayb cos Im not good at giving good advices, or mayb its really none of my business.
U always think that I didn’t realize, cos I appear not to care and n it seems like the matter is not bothering me. Ure wrong. Its always bothering me. But I duno what to do. I really duno. What I can do will only be treating it like nothing has happen and carry on. Cos I didnt want little things to sour our relationship just cos I said the wrong thing at the wrong time and created an unhappy atmosphere. It doesnt mean that ,I didnt talk abt it or blog abt it or even mention it, means I dun care. Some things are just very sensitive. Like previously, Ure forced to leave us. Its a painful thing to see u leave us. Mayb I hid myself t0o much in the background thinking that not asking u anything is the greatest consolation that u'll want me to give u. I thought by doing that Im giving u a great help. Little did I know that U’ve wanted me to be at the foreground so much that U hated me for not anwei-ing u. Its stupid to ask “r u okie?”. Obviously ure not. And on your blog, u made it very clear that u hate ppl ask that question. U told them that “im not and I want u to fuck off”. So why make u even more upset by asking u silly questions that have obvious answers. What for grinding salt onto your wound. Your wound will be very difficult to heal. As ppl keep asking u that idiotic question, there wasnt a chance for your wound to close. Many times, my heart jus twitched n ached looking at your backview, walking down the corridor. I teared secretly. I can feel that ure not ok. But I know very clearly that u hate ppl to ask n give u that sympathetic look that u rily hate. I know u. I know that ego.
I feel that if ppl want to talk abt important matters they will speak(voice call) instead of sms-ing. U have to wait for a reply. What if they person is not an sms person. I believe if its really really impt, Im just a call away. I can instantly reply u. Sms is tiring. Its like a chore. Its a hassle. Calling is so much easier. Just punch in the 8 digits and then one is able to chat for hrs with the other party. Haha no wonder I always have problems that arised from sms-ing. Perhaps I duno the art of sms-ing or the sms courtesy. I just cause trouble for myself.
Ok this is just random. Its nOt the main pt.
Im sorry that I make u feel unwanted with my wishful thinking and wishful actions. To me, ure so very important. Whatever bad mood u give me I just aiya nvm lar she's my best fren I wun ji jiao wif her abt trivial matters. Nvm de n I'll just put that matter behind. But my mood will be influenced by ya AP-ness. I dun ap u, if u realized. I always ap others. Y? cos ure my best fren so u get the special privilege that no one in this world get it. Im not telling tall stories here. N if ure going to stop talking to me n ignoring me one day and decide to do that for the rest of your life. I tink I may suffer from depression. I cannot take that life sentence. Thats really t0o much for me. Neither does ending our friendship ever cross my mind. I felt hurt when u ignore me when I met u face to face. Cos u hold weight in my heart I never ignore u before as in face to face when I see u I wun walk away w/o a word n pretend that I didnt see u at all.. but I do admit that I ignored ya sms quite frequently. I feel like its more serious to ignore the person in the face than ignoring an sms. I still can accept if someone ignore my sms. Im so used to ppl nt replying my sms that in the end I tot its ok nt to reply ppl's sms. In the end, I'll just call, since its more direct.
Perhaps, we assumed too much from each other. U assumed that I can live w/o u and I assumed that u can live w/o me. I never think that Im able to do that. Deep down inside me, assures me that nobody can ever replace u. I rily cherished u. And I tink that its just human instincts that determines the outcome.
Its our thinking that leads us to where we r now. Cos everybody think in a certain way, and we perceived that others think and want it that way too. I cannot express this very clearly. For instant, when ever Im injured n a wound is bleeding. I just leave it alone cos I believe that as long as u dun irritate the area again it’ll take its own course n heal naturally. However, u tink that a wound needs treatment. It'll be painful at first, den more painful before it actually heals. After we talked today, I tink abt it. Finally I tink that wouldnt a wound heals even faster if its treated n irritation is minimized at the same time? I guess communication is really important. No point guessing what each other is thinking. If we guess wrongly, both is going to suffer. Im nt very good at expressing myself clearly. Im nt very good at analyzing t0o. I always stumble on my speech. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time n I always regret what Ive said cos what I said did not deliver to others my real intension. Im misunderstood most of the time. Im t0o blunt at words. Im not that good at thinking into depth. Thats y sometimes I just cant understand y things r happening this way. I need somebody to tell me. There was this time that u start treating me in a mean way. I was puzzled. But all I can think of is Ive done something wrong. If u ask me to think abt it is equally hard to ask me to identify one key source of experimental error during a sci practical. I know there's something wrong with the experiment but I just cant figure out what exactly the error is. Its really a higher level for me. I always got a big cross for that section. This may seem no link but that's my weak area n its related. When u n fong became v close. I feel that I cannot fit into u both. Sometimes u'll just walk off wif her n leave me hanging behind. The feeling sucks.
I didn't know how to tell u my problems. I feel that u wun really understand me in terms of my trainings n stuff related. Most of my prob actually come from there. U give me the feeling that u feel like shutting me up for talking so much abt my cca. Its lyk u nt part of my cca, n im telling so much unrelated stuff to u. U just give me the feeling that ure annoyed. N then its like sometimes when I tell u those problems that u cant help me, u just feel bad abt it being unable to help. At the same time u hav ya own prob. Although I noe u'll still an wei me even when ure in a depressed state. It's lyk nt telling u will make u feel less loaded.
I didn't know that not replying your sms can cause u so much harm. I didn't know that u take sms replies so seriously. I feel so guilty for making u feel insecured n unwanted n disowned. I should slap myself.
I feel like its kinda silly for not thrashing out earlier. At least there's less damage.
There's t0o many U-think n I-think that brought us to this state. I guess Im nt very gd at maintaining n prolonging relationship. I always mess things up. N I hate myself for that.
However I can assure u that I want our friendship to continue. I duno what will happen in the future, but Ive acknowledged u as my lifetime buddy. Im very thankful to know u. Im thankful that tian rang wo ren shi ni. Nt everybody has the affinity to be friends. Ive many friendships that r short-lived. I want ours to be long live. Ive the confidence in us. I duno y. I just dun doubt our friendship. N dun worry abt the picture thingy, cos ure going to be inside. N that'll be our zilian collection! <3>
& I wake up to a beautiful day
